My thoughts are scrambled.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm ruining everything I care about.

I need to step back and breathe.

I need to realize I can't control everything, or everyone.

I need to just let things be.

I have to work on myself - where have I gone?

I feel like I've lost a piece of myself somewhere...

Didn't I used to be fun? And care-free?

Now I'm a wreck. A train wreck of emotion... and I'm sick of it...

Sick of myself.

Sick of looking at myself in the mirror every morning.

Sick of not being thinking before I say something and not thinking about the consequences.

I'm sick of this town.

I'm sick to my stomach.

My eyes are on fire and feel like I have 15,000 eyelashes under the lids.

I just need to focus.

Not think about what's going to be, or what has been done.

There's just what I have right now... that's all I've got.

I need to stop losing my fucking mind.

I'm so confused. Can't think, can't sleep, can't see, can't.can't.can't.

I'm sorry.

Don't feed the drug-child

I feel like I have so much to do today but don't want to do any of it. I need to clean .... and work on my assignment, and shower. Then do my hair. I'm just not that into it.

Thus far I have driven down to the rez to get my allowance, gone to the bank to deposit it, driven my car to my dad's friends' place to drop it off and came home. Now I'm sitting on my bed that needs to be made looking at my floor that needs to be cleaned and just wanting to finish he's just not that into you.

I've been thinking a lot about things lately, like what I want to do in the future and where I should focus my attention, sometimes I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself.

I should soon start cleaning up, then I can just veg for a few hours till my ladies get here and work on my homework. I think I'm going to just put party monster on repeat all afternoon. I love Seth Green and Macauly Culkin.

My stomach is growling I should make some lunch. Vegetable Cup-A-Soup... it's happening.

On a side note I bought this tea... raspberry passion fruit. So good.

K. Time to get motivated.

You were a child

Holy another holiday has come in gone. I don't really consider Valentine's day a holiday tho, family day however... hm. Anyways Yes.. Valentine's day. Well let me start at the beginning.. I can't quite recall what/when my last post was.. .oops!

So Saturday I had my second day of work, it went well. Really

well I think. I enjoyed myself and everything. I'm just trying to make the best of everything at work and do my best so that I'll like it and not give up when something lame happens. If something happens.

After work alex came and got me and we went grocery shopping for out valentine's dinner. We decided to have it on saturday because on sunday we were going to pete's cottage. (but i'll get to the cottage part shortly.

Alex bought me this amazing camera and I love it very much. Now I can take pictures! So I made us dinner and we watched lost. Obsessed right now. Almost done season one, its soooo insane. We drank wine and took pictures and had a grand ol' time.

Sunday morning we headed to pete's cottage with pete, mike and laurie. We got there at probably about 12:30 or 1:30... and started drinking at3:30 which didn't stop until we drank everything and passed out by 1am. Funny stuff.

I took a bunch of pictures and videos it was a wild time. I'm uploaded the video below so... yeah! Enjoy. I'm actually stoked that it worked... I tried to put it on facebook but it didn't work. Oh well. I'll link this entry or something...

So Yeah... fun weekend. Now I'm on reading break. I have 3 essays to do before Myrtle beach which is only like 3 weeks away! IEE! So stoked. I work tomorrow 5-9 then thursday I'll be snowboarding. Who knows what the weekend will hold. I might try to take it easy and stay in to do work but we'll see. I'm due for a girls night with kristen and brooks. I know that much.

Okay I'm going to make sure that I have everything together I need to go to my parents house... I'm going there for dinner and to try to scam the car off them for the night. haha.

I want fish & chips and nachos from the old stone. Maybe my mom will make fish MMM

Cheerio!

PS: Definitely drank Le Diable Vert... which is Absinthe. And really expensive tequila that tasted like liquid gold... and mexican moonshine... it wasn't very good tho. ahah

Keep running up that hill...

I'm sitting by the tim horton's outlet thing outside of the library, just chillin'. Alex is picking me up shortly and we're going for dinner at his house then playing portal all night. It's going to be amazing.

This morning I was walking on the bridge and someone had written "the cake is a lie".. I love nerds. I'm going to go on and assume it was someone from the trent gamer association or something along those lines.

My hands are so dead from dry weather... and my mouth is full of cankers... Just when the one on my tongue seems to get a little bit better... i get two more :( I'm trying to take preventative measures now and rinse my mouth with salt water/just put sea salt directly on them.. it kills but i just need to not have any... Its probably from being stressed out as hell.

Aaaah... my internet connection is fading... I hope I can post this before it peaces out entirely. I'm just trying to get a picture... gsdfgj

I don't understand why I find it entirely necessary to get at least 4 books whenever I go to the library to do assignments... I usually only read ... SKIM through like 2 of them... ahh well. Oh and I just bought a donut ... it was the last sprinkle on... I had to.. MM .. hopefully I can still eat dinner at alex's... I only ate half of it tho... bleeh so good. SO FAT. but thoooooo goooodd.

Okay so...

- post 100 essay THIS WEEK.

- post 201 & post 235 essays during reading week.

- QLS tomorrow?

- and i'm in love with yoga pants lately.

- and tea, all type.. off my coffee kick

- veggie chili is bomb BUT eating too much leads to intestinal cramping. BELEE

That's all for noow...

google chrome sucks.

the r and l are there for a reason

Library, tea, sesame bagel, hand lotion, boring article, 3 essays to do in 4 weeks. OH something due on thursday ---what else?

I'm listening to MGMT - kids, I swear this some is my lifejam. So good. Oh but here's to the point of this entry:

the r and l are there for a reason

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Okay so this neurosis from iamneurotic is one that I particularly identify with. I thought about it when I was putting in my ear phones a moment ago. I always try to put them in the right ride of my head that they're labeled for. In grade school someone told me that each one is built specifically for that side... So I believed them. I'm not so sure if I do now but I just get too pissed if I put them in the wrong one because I think I'm not getting to hear my music properly...

Anyways I need to finish this reading.

Spiced rum with my factory girl.

Sitting with kristen drinking some lambs rum spiced with cinnamon and vanilla. It's pretty tasty. We're watching factory girl and talking about boys. I don't really know what I think right now... Apparently I'm a little drunk. I might ust put on some dance music and start singing obnoxiously. Do some shots and smoke a cigarette. BAH Drunk typing.

...

Okay.

I'm really a man. goodnight.

!!

Ugh.

I guess it's just one of those nights...

This is a ghost town

I have a shaky jaw, cooking cheesy rice, just took some vitamins and supplements, and can't help but feel as if i'm being ignored for being a tool earlier. Ugh.

I'm trying to figure out which paper I should start because if I'm going to myrtle beach, which I plan on doing, then I'm going to need to get my shit done ahead of time so that I'm not stressing large later on. Its really cold in my apartment as per usual and i wish i was at the library or somewhere not here. However, it is rather quiet here, which is nice. but seeing as how its three soon its going to be loud loud loud as usual.

This morning I was woken up by a kid running around upstairs with shoes on, just jumping and shit. I vaguely remember sitting up and screaming then going back to sleep.

I would really like to get some school work done today. I'm going to see if my printer is truly madly empty, then eat some rice and maybe print out some articles to research (unless of course my printer is empty). If I can't print things out then maybe i'll shower seeing as how my hair smells.. dirty... and i'm cold. So then I would be both clean and warm.

Oh another thing, I have my second interview for wild wing on thursday. I hope it goes well and I get the job. I should just meditate on things that I want to happen. Such as me getting a job, and enough money saved to go to myrtle beach.. That would be nice.



Soda cans keep opening weirdly on me lately... I'm going to eat my rice and figure out what to do with myself...